Fr-Fr and Pink Dragons -- lil' e

I am very, very sad.  I really, really, really want my fr-fr.  There has been a causalty and my friend Ian and I were playing tug-o-war with it.  He pulling, me growling with it in my teeth.  I'm not sure who won the tug-o-war but my fr-fr did not as can be seen in the picture above.  My mom won't buy a new one.  She said it's one of those things that we don't use as we grow big.  This was the last one, all my others have disappeared (mysteriously).  This makes me very, very sad.  It's like my tiny house, where is that anyways???  I want it.  I hate climbing up the stairs in the middle of the night to go sleep with my parents.  I hate that I have to sleep in my own room.  I liked giggling with Issy before falling asleep.  I don't care about space; I care about connection. This is why I NEED my fr-fr, we were connected.  Especially during hard times.  Especially when my mom doesn't let eat my dinner underneath the table.  Especially when I'm afraid of the dragons in the den.  They are making me be alone and I'm still tiny.  My head is not big.  Why don't they see this?

This is my very scary dragon I made at school.  It is a most ferocious color and it growls when I throw it.  I've started sleeping with it.  It keeps the other dragons away at night.

Later,

lil' e

I want my old house! -- lil' e

I want my old house.  I don't like our new house.  I don't like that I can never go back and someone else bought it.  I hate that I don't get to sleep with Sissy.  I hate that I have to be in a big room by myself where there are lots of noises that I don't recognize.  Going to sleep is one big issue for me.  I need Mommy to sleep with me and then when she's done, I need Daddy to come, too.  I don't like it when they go back upstairs.  I want them to sleep with me until I've fallen asleep.  Well really, I want them to sleep with me for the entire night.

While we're on the topic of sleep, let me just tell you that sleeping naked is the only way to sleep.  I love how my flannel blanket feels against my skin.  It is so soft.  I like to roll myself up like a hot dog before falling asleep.  Never mind the middle of the night when I've unrolled myself and my feet and body are freezing.  This is no problem. I sprint upstairs, turning on every light so I can find my way. I jump in bed with Mommy and Daddy, putting my feet on their warm bodies while my cheek finds its way to HER check, and then I go back to sleep.  (Can you see why my old house was much, much better?  Their bed was only a few feet away from my bed!)  My biggest issue is the sprint out of my bedroom into the hallway.  I growl just to scare any dragons that might be lingering there.  Dragons did not exist in our other home, only here.

I also miss the big circle I could run over and over again, going from living room to hallway to kitchen to living room to hallway, etc.  I also miss my garbage truck and several of my favorite books, which are still back at the old house.  They haven't shown up at this house and I'd like them back.  Unfortunately, I don't know how to get there.

If anyone would like to drop me off at my other house, please call.  I've never busy and I'm always eager to go on adventures.

Later,

lil' e

Mom stuff -- Big E

I really like my mom.  I have a hard time sometimes when I feel like I've disappointed her but I'm trying to find my voice even in those moments.  It's interesting because usually the situation isn't like I thought it was at all.  Talking about it brings a different perspective and this is helpful.

With that said, my mom can still annoy me.  She's especially annoying when she tries to do my hair, which she does almost every morning.  She leaves lumps in my hair when it should be smooth.  She makes my head look flat with her pulled back ponytail style.  Her idea of cute is so not.  Then there is the bigger issue --she doesn't take me to get a hair cut when I need one claiming that I don't really need one when I know it's because she doesn't have time.  Like I'm supposed to drive myself or something.  This is very annoying.

She can also do things that are really embarrassing, like go exercise and come back with really messy hair, claiming she was kickboxing and she didn't care how she looked.  The problem is, she doesn't have to look at herself, WE DO!  It's just hard to see her like that.  Especially with friends over.  Especially with friends who make comments about how she looks.  This is difficult.

I also can't help but notice her stomach.  It sticks out a bit.  It's stuck out since having my brother and it kinda bugs me.  I don't want her stomach to stick out.  Her response to my asking her when will it look normal doesn't assure me either, "Honey, I don't know if it will ever look the same again."  I don't want to hear this.  I want my mom to look the same as she did before lil' e.  This isn't about weight, this is about her changing when I didn't want her to. 

This brings up lil' e and how he can be so annoying.  I'm mad that his body in her stomach did this to her.  Sometimes I think that he ruined everything even if I don't like admitting this.   The results on my mom's stomach is like him coming into my room and drawing all over my homework.  My homework that I needed to turn in.  My homework that was now destroyed.  My homework that made me apologize to my teacher and hope I didn't have to do it over.  It's this type of ruining that makes me upset.  It's this type of ruining that has me really worried for my mom -- I don't think her stomach will ever be the same.  I'm not sure WE will ever be the same.

Thoughtfully,

Big E

It's just not fair -- Big E