I really like my mom. I have a hard time sometimes when I feel like I've disappointed her but I'm trying to find my voice even in those moments. It's interesting because usually the situation isn't like I thought it was at all. Talking about it brings a different perspective and this is helpful.
With that said, my mom can still annoy me. She's especially annoying when she tries to do my hair, which she does almost every morning. She leaves lumps in my hair when it should be smooth. She makes my head look flat with her pulled back ponytail style. Her idea of cute is so not. Then there is the bigger issue --she doesn't take me to get a hair cut when I need one claiming that I don't really need one when I know it's because she doesn't have time. Like I'm supposed to drive myself or something. This is very annoying.
She can also do things that are really embarrassing, like go exercise and come back with really messy hair, claiming she was kickboxing and she didn't care how she looked. The problem is, she doesn't have to look at herself, WE DO! It's just hard to see her like that. Especially with friends over. Especially with friends who make comments about how she looks. This is difficult.
I also can't help but notice her stomach. It sticks out a bit. It's stuck out since having my brother and it kinda bugs me. I don't want her stomach to stick out. Her response to my asking her when will it look normal doesn't assure me either, "Honey, I don't know if it will ever look the same again." I don't want to hear this. I want my mom to look the same as she did before lil' e. This isn't about weight, this is about her changing when I didn't want her to.
This brings up lil' e and how he can be so annoying. I'm mad that his body in her stomach did this to her. Sometimes I think that he ruined everything even if I don't like admitting this. The results on my mom's stomach is like him coming into my room and drawing all over my homework. My homework that I needed to turn in. My homework that was now destroyed. My homework that made me apologize to my teacher and hope I didn't have to do it over. It's this type of ruining that makes me upset. It's this type of ruining that has me really worried for my mom -- I don't think her stomach will ever be the same. I'm not sure WE will ever be the same.
Thoughtfully,
Big E
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